


But You and I Can't Say Goodbye

by AlexMel21



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, Mattex (implied)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-13
Updated: 2013-07-13
Packaged: 2017-12-19 08:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/881882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexMel21/pseuds/AlexMel21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“How did you know that it was time to leave E.R.?”</p><p>He cracks one eye open, and sees her smiling down on him, the warm smile he gets when he does something sweet, or ridiculous around her. Before she could even answer him, he starts rambling...</p>
            </blockquote>





	But You and I Can't Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> First RPF! Also: first time posting here in AO3 :3
> 
> When Alex told the interviewers in The One show that Matt and her have been talking about him leaving Who for quite some time before his announcement, I just couldn't resist writing this. I mean I have been resisting writing Mattex for so long because I've stopped writing a long time ago now too, yet this wormed through me the moment I heard her interview. <3
> 
> This one's un-beta-d, I don't have anyone to beta my work. :( sorry for the grammar mistakes.
> 
> Title from the song I'd Rather Leave While I'm in Love. Comments would be lovely. :) xo

He is fidgety, nervous, and very unsure. He isn’t like this! He never did like uncertainties, but he has to put his feet down (stomp if he has to) and make a decision...

Or maybe not today.

He runs his hands through his hair, his hair. His hair! He bravely decided to chop out all of it when he got accepted in Ryan’s film. He can do major life alterations like that, can’t he? Why can’t he decide about this one now? He huffs, his fringe blowing about and he rolls his eyes. Of course, he still doesn’t know what he would feel after his hair is gone, it’s still there. He will chop it off when he comes to America after the finale’s done filming.

He paces about in his trailer, his hands shoved deep in his pockets and his voice bumbling little words and curses. He hates being this… unresolved.

“You’re needed Smithers! Five minutes!”

He squeaked and almost toppled over nothing. The new AD did not even bother to knock on his trailer door, he just shouted and left. Oh well, he sighs, runs his hand through his hair again and opens his trailer door. He has to finish this shoot first.

***

“…God knows how that looked like.”

“And cut! Okay everyone let’s take a breather, Alex, Matt, have a look here, see if we need another one because I think you already got it but I need to be sure.”

Alex and Matt walk over to the screens to watch the clip from one camera. They sit down in their chairs as one girl bounded to give them their water bottles. They watch silently, they needed to get all of it in one take so they could move on to the next part; this is one of the crucial points of the finale, the one leading to River Song’s final goodbye. Everyone’s been really tensed and serious, the atmosphere thick and gloomy— Matt being extra gloomy because of all of his thoughts are niggling at the back of his mind, what with Alex leaving indefinitely AGAIN, his decision still in a weird pro and cons situation and his—

 “I think that’s already brilliant.” Alex nods to the director and Matt’s train of thoughts are cut abruptly as he nods a little too fast after his fair lady said her piece. He swears under his breath, seeing stars as he stops nodding.

“What do you think darling?”

“I ah, yeah, that’s alright.” He says quickly, scratching his chin and avoiding Alex’s eyes altogether. “I’ll just ah, I’ll be outside, I need air. Yeah, I need air.”

He stands up and nearly runs towards the exit. He pushes the doors with both hands and walks blindly until he got to the benches where Karen and Arthur used to finish whole packs of fags when they do an all- night shoot. He collapses gracelessly, his elbows on his knees, his face on his palms. He breathes—no, gulps— lungs full of air, again and again, praying that no one followed him because god knows how _this_ would’ve looked—

“Matthew…”

The soft, worried voice echoes somewhere behind his skull and he straightens up, far too fast he guesses because he’s seeing stars behind his eyelids again. He scrunches his eyes, willing the stars away, then he feels arms wrapping around his shoulder, a familiar scent surrounding him.

He doesn’t know when he started crying or when her small hands began scraping through his scalp, or when he found his face pressed hard on her stomach, or when his arms encircled her hips and pulled her to him so tightly…he doesn’t know how long she stood there, waiting for him to stop crying.

When he did stop, he didn’t realize he has pulled Alex on his lap, his face cradled on her neck, her hands still running through his scalp every now and then.

“Can we…can we talk about this after tonight?” he mumbles, his voice scratchy and raw. Alex gives him a lingering kiss to his hair, and she stands up.

She extends her hand to him, and when he gets up from the bench, she holds his face between her hands, and runs her thumbs underneath his eyes, clearing away any trace of tears.

He holds both of her hands from his face and kisses her palms. She smiles an understanding smile and she rises up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. Nothing is said between them when they returned on set. After 15 minutes of retouching Matt and drying a wet spot on Alex’s dress, they went on shooting the last of the sequence.

***

“Are you going to be in the 50th?”

“Honestly dear, I don’t know.”

He nods at her. They are in her flat, away from their Cardiff flats. He realized late in the evening that they were driving away from the studios and into London, where she rents this, the one where she lives in whenever she returns for _Who_ shooting, or any other project she has back here.

They haven’t slept a wink, its 5:30 in the morning and they finished filming a few hours ago. They both feel exhausted-- he sees this in her eyes, but exhaustion in their bones keeps them from sleeping. He yawns into his tea as he tries to get a sip. Alex is sitting on the opposite side of the couch he is on; her mug, long drained of its contents, is on the table near the sofa. She’s staring at the window, waiting for the sun to peek out and remind them that it’s their day off. He tries again,

“How about in the Christmas Special?”

She smiles, still not looking at him, “Would you like me to be there?”

“Yes. Isn’t it appropriate if you’d see me go? You were there in my first day, I think I'll come full circle if you’re going to be there on my last.”

He lets his words sink to her, he lets a moment pass by, and another. She closes her eyes when the sunlight shines through her windows and caresses her face, a small smile playing on her lips as she soaks the warmth of the morning sun. He studies her, relaxed albeit exhausted; her face filled with content as she bathes in the sunlight. Her light brown curls frames her face perfectly, she looks like a flower blooming in the first light of day. She looks perfect.

“Close your mouth Matt.” she says, eyes still closed.

He blinks, once, twice, and feels his face burning as he pats his chin with his hands, trying to see if he is drooling or if she is just making fun of him. She laughs and finally opens her eyes, strikingly green and inviting, he thinks he can get lost in them and never know. In that moment he feels so goofy inside and decides that, well, he is utterly, undeniably smitten with Alexandra Elizabeth Kingston.

“Is this about last night?” she says with uncertainty in her voice. He can’t see her face, she has lowered her head as she took his hand into her smaller one. She only looks back with her features carefully schooled into a face lined with worry but not with judgment. The face he wants to kiss the worry away…

“Maybe…Partly…uhm…yes.”

“I won’t push you to say anything, you know that.”

He nods, sighs once more and puts his mug down the table. He then lies down, his head on her lap and stares into her eyes before closing his. He huffs one more time before saying one booming sentence, not shout, just…loud:

“How did you know that it was time for you to leave E.R.?”

He cracked one eye open, and sees her smiling down on him, the warm smile he gets when he does something sweet, or ridiculous around her. Before she could even answer him, he starts rambling,

“I know it’s weird, asking you, or maybe not weird because even if Karen or Arthur or even Jenna was here, I’d still ask you, I’d still go to you because…no, not because of your _experience_ , or, or maybe yeah, because you’ve been in a well-known television series for so long too, but, I don’t, I mean I can’t…I  just…I love Who and I love Steven for giving me this opportunity and for working with all these wonderful people and just knowing you and loving you and being able to bring the Doctor to a lot of people! Especially children and their families and I just…I want to…leave and it seems so sad and unbelievable that I am even thinking of that…! And--“

“I just knew it was time,” she says calmly.

Her words cut his rambling short, and it sounds so simple, so sincere, but he can’t comprehend how such a simple answer could fit into such a complex question.

“What?” he says, bewildered and suddenly confused, but she just lowers her head and kisses his forehead, “Is it safe to assume that this isn’t the only thing that made you run out last night?”

“Well, about that…I was, engrossed with our scene and this slump I am in, you know, being in limbo, being undecided and all that, _and then,_ when we sat there and watched that scene, our kiss, it just hit me that it was our last! And you’re leaving and, the 50th is gonna start filming soon and I don’t know you’re gonna be there and I just…!”

His rambling is cut off with a kiss on his lips. And then it’s gone, his lips tingling, chasing hers as he sits upright to face her. She runs her hand through his cheek and says,

“I thought we already talked about this? Well, this _and this_?”

He knows this _and this_. This as in her leaving indefinitely—they’re not really sure if this is River’s last appearance; one does not know the workings of The Moff’s mind, he stopped trying to figure that out after season 5— _and this_ , meaning him deciding on whether or not he’s leaving Who. They both know it isn’t because River is leaving, nor is it because the Ponds are gone, not even because he’s tired of playing the Doctor. If he could only play the Doctor for the rest of his life, he would, and Steven would let him.

He wants to, but there’s something in the back of his mind telling him not to.

“Have you told Steven about your thoughts?” she says, the back of her head resting on the couch, her eyes starting to get droopy. He knows they should probably sleep the rest of the morning, but he wants to make the decision now. Funny enough, Alex isn’t telling him to decide now, now, now! In fact, she’s distracting him from doing the decision-making thing, because the woman knows it’s all he could think about. It’s all he ever thinks about actually, and he kind of feels the guilt crawling up his neck as he slightly forgot about him and her, and them being together. It’s either Alex doesn’t mind that he’s been mucking about his decisions or she just cares enough to let him be, and let him come to her if he needs her help. The woman is godsend, he thinks as she stares deep into his eyes.

The wonderful sun rays bathe the entire flat and as much as he likes to just sit here and contemplate, he wants to lie down on the bed, snuggle Alex, and sleep, because she looks like she wants to snuggle too, but is patiently waiting for him to tell her more. But then, she starts speaking,

“I thought her story came to a close. Her husband’s gone, she tried moving on with her life, she made amends with her stepdaughter, she became the head of surgery… I honestly thought that that was it. That it wouldn’t be an abrupt ending for her; Corday did her time. She got to explore all her capabilities as a character.” She lolls her head towards Matt as she speaks, her curls spilling on her face. Matt sweeps them away carefully and kisses her nose.

She continues, “I did come back for the last two episodes of E.R., much like how David’s back for the 50th anniversary today. I guess when they do a 60th anniversary special, you two would be called back, and you’d be as ready as ever. Being a character you’ve played for a very long while sticks to you, and I guess it does for the fans too,” She straightens up and faces him, taking his face on her hands again,

“You took this bravely when you auditioned for the Eleventh, you went through all the skepticism, being the youngest Doctor to date, having little experience and all that...and three seasons, three Christmas specials, and soon, a 50th anniversary under your belt, you’ve accomplished a whole lot for a bloke people thought will never be like David, or will never last for two seasons...because you’re different, and so is he, but you both work as the Doctor. The fans love you and still would, my dear. You’ve been through so much, with so many people with you, my love, what is there to be afraid of?”

He didn’t really feel that he is crying, only his vision is blurred and his cheeks are damp. He smiles at Alex because how could he not? Even after her explanation, she still left the decision to him, but unlike a big lead sitting beneath his skull, it was lighter, like a tree sapling he either plants himself or he passes on to another that would take care of it. She didn’t tell him to quit or to continue, she just told him how great he was as the Doctor, as a person, and how she tackled her E.R. exit. This is one of the things that he loves about her, she never dictates nor tells him what to do, she just lets him be, she trusts him so much his heart would burst.

She kisses him again, a sweet chaste kiss.

“And you know whatever your decision is, I’ll always be here.”

“Yes, yes I know that.”

He kisses her lips and then her nose. He gives her one bear hug and lifts her off of the couch. She shrieks a little bit when he lifts her fireman-carry-style as they went to the bed. When he places her down on the bed, she slaps his arm lightly, ”You are such a caveman I don’t know why I put up with you.”

“I’m pretty sure you know why.”

She giggles at his comment, “Yes, yes I do.”

She doesn’t ask him if he’s made up his mind after their talk. She just slips under the covers as he closes the curtains, lending temporary darkness to the bedroom. He lies next to her and pulls her to him, her back against his chest, his lips on her shoulders. They both relax, letting their exhaustion claim them to sleep.

***

Alex wakes up 10 minutes past three in the afternoon. Her head isn’t as heavy as last night but she still winces when she sees the time- they slept through the afternoon!

She rolls onto her other side and sees Matt is not there, he didn’t even wake her up. He always lets her oversleep whenever they’re together. Good thing she doesn’t have a Skype date with Salome today.

She stands up and goes to her bathroom, splashing her face with cold water and begins washing off sleep from her face and arms. She runs a wet hand through her curls that gets wilder than usual whenever she sleeps. Matt likes her hair post-slumber, she never really understood the lion metaphor, her hair does _not_ look like a mane. (“ _But Kingston! Your hair’s the best when you just woke up; I mean you look like a proper lion!”)_

She emerges from the bathroom and changes into a white V-neck shirt and a cut up jeans shorts. She smells something sweet and spicy from the kitchen and her stomach rumbles on cue. She pats it, she needs sustenance. She hopes maybe Matt went out to get some food?

“I thought you’d sleep until nighttime, come on Kingston! I got us Chinese takeout. I’m starving.” He almost shouts at her advancing figure. She moves into his space behind the island and rises on her tiptoes to kiss him a good…well…afternoon, and maybe as a thank you for getting them breakfast? Lunch? Early dinner? He thinks he really doesn’t care because her hands are grabbing his shirt and his are on her hips—okay arse—and he stops thinking when she slips her tongue in his mouth and he’s becoming a bit dizzy with want and probably lack of oxygen because who needs to breathe anyway? Then she bites on his lower lip and she purrs this low, low sound and then she places her forehead against his neck and when did she stop kissing him?

“Well, good afternoon to you too,” He says breathlessly, and she laughs, he feels her pulse pounding madly as he mouths her neck a little more, her equally breathless giggles fill the little kitchen. He feels lighter when he woke up later that day, but he always feels like he’s somewhere in that ridiculous cloud nine every time he and Alex snog each other senseless. It’s not even the sex that he anticipates in those hot make out sessions, it’s just the kisses. He knows Alex loves kissing, she’s damn great in doing it, (she’s perfected the art of kissing, he thinks); sometimes even more than the love- making that comes afterwards.

He kisses her one more time before he hits her bum playfully, “Let’s eat, I have to call Steven later.”

She turns into his embrace and leans her arms on the countertop as he takes a seat for her and another for him. Even though she’s still flushed, she didn’t miss their boss’ name when he spoke.

“Made up your mind then?” she inquires as she picks up a sweet and sour pork fillet from the box.

“I suppose. I already made my decision before we slept; I just wanted to…well, sleep on it? Maybe it wasn’t a real decision, and we were tired so I just wanted to be sure. When I woke up, it was still here in my head. So…yeah. I wanted to tell you first so I waited until you’re awake and then call Steven,” he says as he chews a mouthful of noodles. Alex slaps his wrist for talking while his mouth was full but kisses his cheek afterwards.

They continue to eat in silence, both realizing they were famished; the last time they ate was before the sequence they shot last night, and that was brunch. When they finished, Alex cleared the dishes while Matt hummed a tune and wiped the counter island. He looks at Alex and mumbles to himself,

“It’s going to be alright. We’re going to be alright.”

***

Alex is reclining on Matt’s chest, as he fiddles with his iPhone; she’s enjoying their quiet time and is waiting patiently for Matt to ring up Steven. They’ve been talking about her plans on auditioning for roles back in the US and maybe doing another play, perhaps do another Shakespeare before getting back to Salome? They’ve also been discussing about his phone call that lead to an audition with Ryan back in the US and him shaving off all his hair for the part. Alex whines upon hearing that, her cute pout making him laugh. He kisses the pout away and they’re back into this comfortable silence. He thinks Alex might be asleep when he started dialing Steven, but Alex twists a little when he places his mobile phone on his ear and looks at him expectantly. He kisses her chastely, “ _for good luck_ ” he whispers as Steven picks up.

 _“Had a good sleep?”_ the Scot lively greets him.

“Yes, although I’m sorry if we didn’t tell you we’re not staying in Cardiff today. How’s the filming?”

_“Well, Jenna’s been fantastic as you know, we just wrapped up, can’t believe you aren’t here today, we’re celebrating you know.”_

“Of course, but we just really need some alone time.”

Steven laughs and Alex slaps him lightly, _“Ah, of course!”_

“It's not like that! Well, right. I have a question. Have you written the script for the Christmas special yet?” his tone shifted and the other line went silent for a few heartbeats.

_“Ah…you’ve gone away to decide on this, did you?”_

It isn’t an accusation or an angry retort, and he will still have to talk about this with him and Jenna personally.

“Yeah, you could say that.”

_“Since when have you been thinking about this?”_

“I know I should’ve told you this in person, I’m sorry. But I want you to know that as soon as I’ve made up my mind, you’re the second one who knew. Well, Alex was here so she knew it first. We will have a proper talk when I get back, I promise. I just want to say thank you for…for everything, man.”

 _“Oh Matt, you’re a special guy! And we will talk about this!, but I also want you to know that I am thankful for the opportunity you gave me and the entire crew of Who.”_ He says this sincerely, and Matt almost gets teary-eyed again. Alex kisses his chin and smiles at him, his “ _well done!_ ” kiss and he grins back at her. Before he could get more sentimental with his friend on the line, Steven cut through his thoughts and speaks again,

_“Is she there, is Alex there? Turn on the speakerphone, I want to talk to Alex.”_

He laughs and pushes the button for the loudspeaker,

_“Can you at least bribe Matt for one last season?”_

They all laugh at Steven’s quip. They talk more after that but didn’t stay on the phone for too long. Matt and Alex said their ‘goodbyes’ and ‘see you back in Cardiff’ and Matt placed his phone down on the table. He has this dopey grin on his face and Alex can’t help but laugh. She turns somber as Matt wraps his arms around her waist and whispers,

“We’re going to be alright, aren’t we?”

Alex mumbles “of course, we’re going to be” as she kisses his chin again. He knows he’s still uncertain but not so much, he thinks. He holds Alex tighter and inhales her scent; they’re going to be just fine.

xx


End file.
